i think parents are one of the hardest things to deal with on earth. you didnt choose to be their child, yet you are, and they brought you up well and strong physically. mentally, and emotionally, thats a different story. so what about the sacrifices they made for you? the ambitions they once had at our age? one problem i have is that i still see my parents as images, representing something austere and something domestic. thats all. who they are i have no idea. i just have their traits listed out like an index.
i dont know if its an unwillingness to get to know them, or if its that we really just dont click so i dont bother. if we were strangers, i would probably not be their friend. we would still be strangers. what connects us is our blood. so we strive to get along with each other. personality, background, likes, dislikes, we have no clue. when people get older, they are more resistant to change. when you try, you hit a barrier. this is one that cannot be overcome, because thats when your ideas cannot be exchanged, when your ideals conflict, when one is refusing to see your point, and you are refusing to believe theirs. seeing my friends who connect with their parents makes me shameful of my distance with mine. did i make that breach? is it my fault that i cant communicate with them emotionally? sometimes its easier if youre alone in this world. no family, no relatives. since you never had that feeling, it doesnt hurt to have it all ripped away, right? a clean rip. "why are you so close with your mom?"
"i dont know, but i think its because when i was a baby she loved me very much, and i loved her very much too." when i heard this i was struck by awe. even as a baby, one can feel love for ones parents. i dont know...soemtimes i think maybe its something innate. like characters, personalities. you just cant help feeling one way or the other. i wish i had the ability to love them. i love them, but only in the traditional, expected manner. i remember when i was in 3rd grade...i was out having fun with my cousins and uncle. then towards the end, we got this call from my aunt saying how mymom had cut her finger while cutting vegetables. she had to go to the hospital for stitches. i didnt feel anything. more like, i knew i should have felt feel something-panic, fear, worry, whatever. i should have had some reaction. but all i could think of was, why did this call have to happen to ruin our time? then i felt guilty because i was thinking of myself and couldnt bring myself to think about my mom. it was horrible, now that i recall. at times like this i freeze up and provide no emotion. then guilt eats me up inside. i just realized that im a more complicated person tha i thought i was. is this the road to self discovery? no one couldve guessed that i dont get along with my parents. or that im quite a cold blooded person when it comes to family. if society didnt place such high emphasis on family and blood and kin and relations, im sure we would just drift apart and become strangers in the years to come, without any reason. no big quarrell, no fights...just..drifted.
i still havent been able to escape from their shadows....