Dealing with situations are never easy. Especially if its hypothetical situations which, at the end of the day cause your speculations to exhaust you and you go to bed with an uneasy mind. I am not experiencing this right now, per se, but I have found myself in situations like this many a times before in my callow lovestruck freshman year from way back when. As much as I think I have grown in terms of dealing with sex and relationships (oftentimes together), there are always old challenges disguised in multi-colored frocks, dimpled smiles, and cute gestures. Then it dawned unto me. These challenges, no matter in what form, will always be the same. So what has to be changed? Simply, me.
Speaking in broader terms, this applies to everything in the universe. What makes LA different when you go back? Nothing. Its what you have been through that makes the California sun burn more brightly. Or what makes the Toronto cold a couple degrees warmer? Its what you have experienced. It is the change inside.
It is always an interesting if not ambivalent feeling when I catch myself undergoing this subtle transformation. Mind you, this is supposed to be a slow but steady process. No one expects anyone to just switch their colors like a multi-colored ball point. The more you are aware of things, aware of your reaction, your uttereances, your attitude, the more you can take a deep breath, and think in your mind, "ok, so this is where you ususally break down. how about taking a different turn and just let it be? should have interesting results." Then you feel your anxiety being lifted like a heavy cloak, and you can breathe again.

Heightened sense of awareness?

Nope. It has never been my forte.
Ever since I could remember, my mom has always told me that I was, in a four-character chinese idiom, thick-branched and big-leafed. That was encouraging, since ideally girls were supposed to be, in another four-character chinese idiom, golden-branched and jade-leafed. Somehow, I had thought it extremely hilarious at the time, imagining my fourth grade limbs to be thick and unwholesome.
So I was careless. It was part of me, and to some extent still is. I have been trying to correct this disadvantage, because there are just too many things I miss out when I am like this. And besides, nowadays the price you pay for being careless has increased to more than just getting a berating from your annoyed parent. You can actually lose your bread and butter! (Speaking in terms of my having grown up, btw.)
Right. so what prompted me to write this? Its gotta be more than just describing growing pains. A heightened sense of awareness. Not so much as it is something that my friend is experiencing so that I should too, but more like I feel that it is important. In my bones, I believe that it is what helps bring that large piece of puzzle called your life together. So far, Im trying to get a whiff of it...but it hasnt presented itself to me yet. My impatience doesnt help either. If anything, on my christmas wishlist, I would like to be blessed with this heightened sense of awareness. But...BUT. Maybe you're right, maybe at this point in my life I dont need to have this trait as yet. Its just the fear and thought of it never happening that makes me worry.

Comfort

Couple months earlier, I was chatting with a friend, mindlessly rambling on about how I had nothing to complain about in my life at the moment, when he concluded that I was in my "comfort zone."
I could practically hear the echo of that conclusion even in the minutes that followed as he talked about other things. My mind was still lingering on that thought, and I remember thinking to myself over and over again, "Picker, you are officially in the comfort zone that you never thoguht you would be in." All the while I was still nodding in agreement and gesturing in time to utterances that were beginning to fade even before they had even started. In other words, I was not paying attention.

So this is what being in the comfort zone feels like. As far as I can remember, I have never been in a comfort zone. Ive always been in turmoil, making decisions, worrying about making decisions, waiting for my next step, preparing for my next step....until now. Its not a bad feeling, Ill give it that. But somehow unnerving. Its like when you are at work and you have nothing to do. THAT is when you should start worrying, BECAUSE　you have nothing to do. I hate that feeling. So, I dont think my comfort zone will last long. Ive started to plan ahead again, or at least, thinking about things that are better off left unthought of...for now. Argh.
One of the purposes in life is to be active, to have things to do, to know that you are capable, or even if its just finding out that youre NOT capable, and working to BECOME capable. Its an ongoing process. Very much like work or a job itself. If not, then why not just be a bum?

Tact

Have there been times when you are just so out of tact? Thick tongued? And thick-headed even? Today was one of those days for me. Although I cannot say the entire day was like that, but the couple of minutes that followed my faux pas sure felt like an eternity.

Sometimes Im stupid like that. I have to rememebr that everyone has their own memory box, and when I utter something within context of my own thoughts, others might be wondering what the hey im talking about. What makes it even worse is when you are limited by time or the moment has passed for you to explain yourself and you just give up and walk away. THEN, you spend the next couple of hours thinking of the many various lines that could have saved the situation. Too late.

Let this be a lesson learned.

Just a state of mind?

What makes me feel so down lately? Last night for the fifteen minutes or so that I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, I sat on the concrete stump in front of the guard's gate and cried. At the moment, I was thinking, "why are you crying?" There had got to be a reason. And I knew clearly what those reasons were at that time. It was because one, some very close friends whom, despite knowing them for under a year's time, have become so close to me, are leaving soon. Second, I felt the beginning of the end for me. Somehow, I felt this dreaded enclosing feeling. Just how I had felt when I first came back to Taiwan four years ago. However, a friend once said to me, "Picker, dont stop meeting interesting people, because you yourself are an interesting person." This gives me hope that I wont be the lonely, depressed person I was before because I had compromised with my surrounding. I will continue to be that interesting person, and not let my mindset now refuse what I potentially can be in the near future. Its just a change on how you think. Learn the lesson and get the fuck out of there. I think Ive learnt my lesson from four years ago, and I am now just starting to dig it up because I had forgotten how precious it was. History will not repeat itself this time.