late night scare

so theres this cat. at least i HOPE its a cat. that groans always in the middle of the night when i happen to be asleep. nay, when EVERYONE happens to be asleep. and i say groan and not meow because meow is supposed to indicate a cute sound. but NAY, its more like a dead baby oofing its last breaths. so the first few nights when i heard it, i was like, wth!? then i calmed down because panicking almost always makes you do dumb things and makes the situation ten times worse than it really is, and since i have a semi balcony that anyone can climb onto, i figured i could be in some danger. at any rate, i calmed and lay really still, and strained my ears to listen to that horrible sound. at some point on the tenth groa/meow, a certain tenor of the sound betrayed that it really was a cat....mystery solved. whew.

i think parents are one of the hardest things to deal with on earth. you didnt choose to be their child, yet you are, and they brought you up well and strong physically. mentally, and emotionally, thats a different story. so what about the sacrifices they made for you? the ambitions they once had at our age? one problem i have is that i still see my parents as images, representing something austere and something domestic. thats all. who they are i have no idea. i just have their traits listed out like an index.
i dont know if its an unwillingness to get to know them, or if its that we really just dont click so i dont bother. if we were strangers, i would probably not be their friend. we would still be strangers. what connects us is our blood. so we strive to get along with each other. personality, background, likes, dislikes, we have no clue. when people get older, they are more resistant to change. when you try, you hit a barrier. this is one that cannot be overcome, because thats when your ideas cannot be exchanged, when your ideals conflict, when one is refusing to see your point, and you are refusing to believe theirs. seeing my friends who connect with their parents makes me shameful of my distance with mine. did i make that breach? is it my fault that i cant communicate with them emotionally? sometimes its easier if youre alone in this world. no family, no relatives. since you never had that feeling, it doesnt hurt to have it all ripped away, right? a clean rip. "why are you so close with your mom?"
"i dont know, but i think its because when i was a baby she loved me very much, and i loved her very much too." when i heard this i was struck by awe. even as a baby, one can feel love for ones parents. i dont know...soemtimes i think maybe its something innate. like characters, personalities. you just cant help feeling one way or the other. i wish i had the ability to love them. i love them, but only in the traditional, expected manner. i remember when i was in 3rd grade...i was out having fun with my cousins and uncle. then towards the end, we got this call from my aunt saying how mymom had cut her finger while cutting vegetables. she had to go to the hospital for stitches. i didnt feel anything. more like, i knew i should have felt feel something-panic, fear, worry, whatever. i should have had some reaction. but all i could think of was, why did this call have to happen to ruin our time? then i felt guilty because i was thinking of myself and couldnt bring myself to think about my mom. it was horrible, now that i recall. at times like this i freeze up and provide no emotion. then guilt eats me up inside. i just realized that im a more complicated person tha i thought i was. is this the road to self discovery? no one couldve guessed that i dont get along with my parents. or that im quite a cold blooded person when it comes to family. if society didnt place such high emphasis on family and blood and kin and relations, im sure we would just drift apart and become strangers in the years to come, without any reason. no big quarrell, no fights...just..drifted.
i still havent been able to escape from their shadows....

this has been going on for a while, but i just never really gave thought to it.
since around 1.5 years ago, everytime i drank water and had a little bit left and couldnt drink anymore, i would dump it in the sink, at the same time reflecting on my wasting such pure drinking water. but i still did it. it was like a love hate relationship with a bad habit kind of feeling.
accompanied by my self chastisement would be the fear of not being able to have pure drinking water.
the idea that the planet is dying has hit us, but our skins are just too thick and insulated with the present (and most likely shortlived) comfort that we dont feel the slightest sting.
eat out less-hunger is raging beyond the radius of our shortsightedness.
recycle- the new old saying, but effective if we do our part. never think that your less than one percent is not making a difference.
make less waste-reusable utensils, sanitary and environmental.
-my two cents.

i havent posted for a while. shameless to say, in order for this blog not be like its precedents, i will update for the sake of updating.

kenting was fabulous. its not really a matter of having every hour, every minute planned for your moneys worth, but having the company of the people you like and feel comfortable with (at least comfortable enough to strip in front of them), and enjoying each moment with them. detached from kenting, that in itself is pretty fabulous.

in moments of joy and happiness, i dont have the habit of recording. the words that were spoken, the actions carried out, the moments, shall all go down in my memorys safekeep.

this entry is a forced one. i only have fragments of my mind jotted down like notes taken hastily on scrap paper. i have nothing in particular to say, but alot to utter.

pictures are up on flickr.

sometimes, when you are in awe of someone you adore, you forget that who you worship is in fact human and not a god. incidentally, when you realize this, there is both disappointment and surprisingly, some understanding.
i realized i have started to psychoanalyze people more and more recently. its fun. its like and ongoing conversation that you have between good angel and bad angel, a tug of war between reasoning and personal opinion. im not obsessed. it doesnt affect me in any way except to consider things more thoroughly when it pertains to certain people. and that, is deifnitely better than how i used to operate before. before being bitten, before have the salt rubbed against open flesh, before the feel of the need to really become selfish and protect my own skin. selfish, a more appropriate word is smart. as much as i have learned this new lesson of politics, i also wish that i wouldnt have to act this way. however, some people deserve what they get...eventually.

"you like the IDEA of a boat."
you have no idea what a boat is, but you entertain and cherish the idea of it. what is dream anyway? where is mine? how do i get to it? so many questions so little answers.
finding it would be the perfect solution.

sometimes facing others is facing yourself. its both interesting and challenging. you face your fears so that next time around it gets esier to deal with and you gain more confidence. this is whats called breakthrough.

a bit at a time. there is no need to rush. however, there is the need to improve each time, even by the microinch.

hiding, procrastinating, running away, are illusory solutions to what needs to be addressed. it will eventually come back to haunt you. get to the root of things, stem it, and slowly yet surely fill the hole back with dirt. cover it up, plant some seeds, if you may, and watch the good energy grow.