todays menu was a bit crazy...

no breakfast, since i went straigh to the pool after i woke up.
had one 580 cc of lemon drink = about 200 calories.
lunch: healthy portion of rice and sweet potatoes with boiled green beans, half a piece of pork, and half a piece of salted fish. (at this point i was still planning to maintain my stance of no junk food.)
one apple
then i caved....considering how i was going to start studying, i needed...energy. so biked to the 7-11 and bought a 900 cc green tea and (spur of the moment thing, i swear) one of those yogurt drinks because at the back of the green tea carton they teach you how to make your own yummy drink! duoduo green tea is good.) and i also bought a small pack of *gasp! cheetoes.
dinner: fish and rice with sweet potatoes.
snack of strawberry and chocolate wafer.
the end.
i have to say, im not that guilty anymore about indulging a bit on right-portioned snacks, since talking to an "expert" on health and exercise last night has enlightened me to the fact that i need to increase my workout frequency and time duration ( which i have been doing), and im not eating any more than i used to. so. as long as i keep working it, im bound to lose a bit of weight, right? right.

todays menu
breakfast: mayo spread sandwich (one third spoonful of mayo spread and two pieces of toast)
in between: latte with one pack of sugar
lunch: rice box, 700 cc of oolong tea, half sugar
in between: nothing! oh wait, three bites of dried fish snack. dangit! and it was before the gym too! but it helped, cuz i was getting hungry. hunger during workouts are never good.
dinner: one third soft guava, a bowl of salted green beans (yum!) three pieces of toast with some bits of braised pork, and one small can of black beans and sesame seed congee.
though ive told myself to start quitting tea with lunch, its so hard! its become staple for me. besides, it replenishes the water i lose through out the morning. so. i think i will keep having tea not necessarily everyday, but not rejecting it either. :)

food diary take 4

todays menu
breakfast: a bowl of apple and oatmeal.
lunch: one ricebox and a 700cc lemon green tea.
later on, an afternoon cafe mocha with a bit too much hersheys chocolate. but it was inevitable....
dinner: three small sweet potatoes with fish. twas yum.
the most successful meal here was dinner. not too much, yet very healthy. besides, ill be sleeping in three hours, so not much food is needed. just enough to curb the post swimming hunger. yay!

cutting straight to it...

todays menu...
breakfast: an apple and two bananas
desparately needed the caffiene: hot latte half sugar, then 5 cashew nuts to keep me energized as well. one thing about eating fruit for breakfast is that you get hungry at the most inconvenient time: eleven o clock. this is most annoying as i normally ignore the smie hunger. thenas time drags on to eleven thirty, im starving. so its either i wait painfully till lunch, which time can be tres volatile depending on the amount of customers , or i gobble something yummy but cant resist its yumminess so i take more portions than intended. its a lose-lose situation. i would eat oatmeal and apple for breakfast (it lasts way longer and is way healthier than bread) but it takes too much time to do about.
lunch: vegetables only and one baby portion of spaghetti.4 bites.
couple cashews again before i head to the pool.
dinner: this was a disaster. rice with taiwanese style braised pork (mum put sugar in it too!! no wonder it was irresistible) and alot of veggies. however, the veggies do not offset the rice with pork. sigh. and after swimming i had an apple (doesnt justify anything...)
and now, at 9 pm i am having a 700 cc iced green tea. half sugar.
overall, my menu today was not so satisfactory. trying to keep them non meal foods to the minimum. and even if its for a hunger boost, should be more healthy like...apples. cashew has more oil.
well, tomorrows a new day :D

food diary continues...

today was supposed to be get-off-work-right-on-time day, but alas, i went and stayed till 7: 22pm. but why? cuz i was working on this comic strip to promote our fantabulous EZ Cafe. its really cute! and working on projects that you like is, well, addicting. so managed to at least put them in order and such. (great thanks to lisas bday gift for me, i can now do anything and everything!!) ill post it up if i remember :P
anyways, moving on...to todays menu:
you will slowly realize that i actually eat alot of the same stuff everyday. its boring. oh wells.
breakfast: apple sandwich
in between this period, i had this urge to get a latte. since its so convenient, right?? well, i beat it down, after thinking about all the damage the 150 cc of WHOLE FAT milk can do to me (and this food diary).
lunch: half a rice box and two slices of cheese pizza. i have to explain. the cheese pizza is a new selection on our menu. so of COURSE i had to "experiment" and "test" the product. its a winner. YUM!
oh yeah, then yummy 20 nt drink.
dinner:the rest of my cold lunch box. three bites of lao po bing.
(i was really struggling with myself about dinner, since i was thinking, after working out, itd be late, so shouldnt really eat rice and all that, and should just eat fruit. but then i HATE wasting food. so thats that.)

todays menu was a bit weird. since i ate high calorie and unecessary food in adequate portions. however i still dont like it. i would prefer eating just more veggies and rice. sigh. will work on it.

there are...

priorities, and then there are priorities. theres this management thing i heard about that teaches people to categorize things into important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent (but then why would it be listed?)anyway, its supposed to make you manage your time better. i have to say, it does help. but when you are ambivalent about what needs to be important or urgent, you cant take that first step into penning down something in any category, cuz youre still wondering. thats how i am. sometimes i think it is really hard to finalize what needs to be done first. for example, talking to parents. either a phone call or eating a meal with them. its not urgent, but its important. so whenever there is time. actually if it could become a regular thing, you should always sit down and hang out with your folks or talk to them. so there are these kind of things that are important but not urgent. reading, learning about the world, exercising, meditating (chi gong), these are things that build up. so you take it baby step at a time. which is also why it is so easy to skip. you always think, ill do it tomorrow. tomorrow might be the day you need it the most and you wouldnt even know it.
this is the hardest one to achieve. there are so many things i want to do, so that while im thinking about whether or not to do them, i waste away my time. at least its good that i know that now...sigh.

theres this thing i forgot to mention...

about the food diary. so apparently it seems to also have to work with adequate exercise (duh) and...yeah. regular habits.
lets see what was on today's menu:
breakfast: an apple sandwich (two slices of toast and one apple. this has got to be the best and healthiest of jelly sandwiches. couple years ago my brother (who is always telling me im fat) told me one of the ways to lose weight was eat fruit with bread/toast. i scorned the idea then and still bought butter spread and jam. now i totally get it. it tastes great, its fresh, and calorie wise, no guilt (other than sugar au natural ). slice the apple in flat pieces and there you have your "apple spread" goes well with mango, banana, and sweet kiwi too! (but apples me fave :P)
lunch: a rice box. yes, indeed, guilty as charged. but couldnt help it. i was working tres hard this morning. talked nonstop for two hours repeating myself with intro of the language center. so i deserved this soul food. haha. taiwanese soul food. and, then there was the yummy 15 nt drink. again. no guilt there :P
hey guess what? no in between snacks today!
dinner: adequate portion of rice with onions stir fried with canned tuna (yum!) and lightly stir fried cabbage with garlic.
two finger bananas, 10 wasabi coated cashews (i had to force meself to stop at 10) annnd maybe if i get the munchies later tonight, an apple!

so i have discovered, when you live on a students budget (or any kind of money saving budget actually) you get more creative and healthy with food!! apples and toast? my kinda breakfast for at least one year. and apples are cheap and fresh too! one for 10 nt. ill have two please! its been a while since ive started eating fruit everyday. and it feels better. to know that you are putting natural stuff into your body, better than before, anyway, when i didnt eat fruit everyday. so i recommend a fruit a day. minimum.
another incentive to really get serious and lose some jiggly tummy is that ive made a bet with this friend. he is trying to gain weight at the moment for a reason too long to explain. but bottom line is, he has to get back to regular weight eventually. actually, in 6 months. SO. since hes still putting on weight, i have the head start. so i should win, right?!?!?
its on!
ps. having weight loss buddy/ies is cool :D

so theres this study...

that showed people who kept a food diary six to seven days a week tended to lose double the weight than non diary keepers. hmmmm. i guess this is a good way to keep on updating this blog :P right.
so on todays menu:
breakfast: mayo sandwich (1/3 spoon of yummy salad spread with two pieces of toast.
lunch: tomato pasta (no meat! no cream! elbow pasta yum.)
one 600 cc of mango green tea (half sugar!!) (kinda guilty about that but oh wells...it was 15 nt!!!)
then i kinda dwindled and had me two chocolate chip cookies...(was never part of the plan!!)
dinner: rice with canned spicy tuna and stir fried cabbage.
one apple
one chinese pear
H2O!!!!!!!!!!!
funny how my justifications are all exclamated...but its true! aiyo. >.<

on a totally unrelated note...

so i have been thinking about the idea of keeping a written journal. its like that dieting resolution that you have at the beginning of each new year, and along with the excitement of it being a NEW YEAR, where old hopes and dreams can be revived and tried, you get ready. youre set. then you fail. although not as abrupt as these words may suggest. nevertheless, you gear up, and you do it steadily for a couple of weeks...then you think, ill do it tomorrow. and when tomorrow arrives, you think, ive done it pretty steadily for the past couple weeks, so i deserve a break....and then...the dwindling turns to..slacking off big time. then you totally forget about it until something like a person's blog, or the act of eating ice cream makes you suddenly realize that you havent been keeping up to par with your initial plan 10 months ago. (ACK!)
right-o. nuff said.

life, OH life....

so. life recently has been pretty chill. after all the banging and clanging of exitement, at the end of the day, one still has to return to silence and self.
so this new thing im trying out: less distraction, more production.
easier said than done, right? right.
another thing. dieting!!! vegetables and staples. swearing off sugar and spice and everything thats nice :( (for now)
hmmm. nothing much else to shaaare....work...im working right now! weekend work. blegh. the only thing i have to complain about is waking up in the morning. haha. however, imagine NOT waking up in the morning...hmmm. seems like i can never have enough sleep. 10 hours seem like 6 and i never get to sleep more than that...even on the weekends. sigh. but i guess thats good right? also, i have recently discovered that no matter how good natured i seem to be most of the time, i AM groggy in the morning. interesting thing to discover about self...
hmmm...what else..what else...been looking at costa rican schools....decent price. one month. however, im struggling between that...and belgium! (ok that might not be an option anyways, but its such a nice notion!! ) aiight back to reality...
nothings been ailing my mind lately...i guess thats fortunate. so, thats that. update of me life.

late night scare

so theres this cat. at least i HOPE its a cat. that groans always in the middle of the night when i happen to be asleep. nay, when EVERYONE happens to be asleep. and i say groan and not meow because meow is supposed to indicate a cute sound. but NAY, its more like a dead baby oofing its last breaths. so the first few nights when i heard it, i was like, wth!? then i calmed down because panicking almost always makes you do dumb things and makes the situation ten times worse than it really is, and since i have a semi balcony that anyone can climb onto, i figured i could be in some danger. at any rate, i calmed and lay really still, and strained my ears to listen to that horrible sound. at some point on the tenth groa/meow, a certain tenor of the sound betrayed that it really was a cat....mystery solved. whew.

i think parents are one of the hardest things to deal with on earth. you didnt choose to be their child, yet you are, and they brought you up well and strong physically. mentally, and emotionally, thats a different story. so what about the sacrifices they made for you? the ambitions they once had at our age? one problem i have is that i still see my parents as images, representing something austere and something domestic. thats all. who they are i have no idea. i just have their traits listed out like an index.
i dont know if its an unwillingness to get to know them, or if its that we really just dont click so i dont bother. if we were strangers, i would probably not be their friend. we would still be strangers. what connects us is our blood. so we strive to get along with each other. personality, background, likes, dislikes, we have no clue. when people get older, they are more resistant to change. when you try, you hit a barrier. this is one that cannot be overcome, because thats when your ideas cannot be exchanged, when your ideals conflict, when one is refusing to see your point, and you are refusing to believe theirs. seeing my friends who connect with their parents makes me shameful of my distance with mine. did i make that breach? is it my fault that i cant communicate with them emotionally? sometimes its easier if youre alone in this world. no family, no relatives. since you never had that feeling, it doesnt hurt to have it all ripped away, right? a clean rip. "why are you so close with your mom?"
"i dont know, but i think its because when i was a baby she loved me very much, and i loved her very much too." when i heard this i was struck by awe. even as a baby, one can feel love for ones parents. i dont know...soemtimes i think maybe its something innate. like characters, personalities. you just cant help feeling one way or the other. i wish i had the ability to love them. i love them, but only in the traditional, expected manner. i remember when i was in 3rd grade...i was out having fun with my cousins and uncle. then towards the end, we got this call from my aunt saying how mymom had cut her finger while cutting vegetables. she had to go to the hospital for stitches. i didnt feel anything. more like, i knew i should have felt feel something-panic, fear, worry, whatever. i should have had some reaction. but all i could think of was, why did this call have to happen to ruin our time? then i felt guilty because i was thinking of myself and couldnt bring myself to think about my mom. it was horrible, now that i recall. at times like this i freeze up and provide no emotion. then guilt eats me up inside. i just realized that im a more complicated person tha i thought i was. is this the road to self discovery? no one couldve guessed that i dont get along with my parents. or that im quite a cold blooded person when it comes to family. if society didnt place such high emphasis on family and blood and kin and relations, im sure we would just drift apart and become strangers in the years to come, without any reason. no big quarrell, no fights...just..drifted.
i still havent been able to escape from their shadows....

this has been going on for a while, but i just never really gave thought to it.
since around 1.5 years ago, everytime i drank water and had a little bit left and couldnt drink anymore, i would dump it in the sink, at the same time reflecting on my wasting such pure drinking water. but i still did it. it was like a love hate relationship with a bad habit kind of feeling.
accompanied by my self chastisement would be the fear of not being able to have pure drinking water.
the idea that the planet is dying has hit us, but our skins are just too thick and insulated with the present (and most likely shortlived) comfort that we dont feel the slightest sting.
eat out less-hunger is raging beyond the radius of our shortsightedness.
recycle- the new old saying, but effective if we do our part. never think that your less than one percent is not making a difference.
make less waste-reusable utensils, sanitary and environmental.
-my two cents.

i havent posted for a while. shameless to say, in order for this blog not be like its precedents, i will update for the sake of updating.

kenting was fabulous. its not really a matter of having every hour, every minute planned for your moneys worth, but having the company of the people you like and feel comfortable with (at least comfortable enough to strip in front of them), and enjoying each moment with them. detached from kenting, that in itself is pretty fabulous.

in moments of joy and happiness, i dont have the habit of recording. the words that were spoken, the actions carried out, the moments, shall all go down in my memorys safekeep.

this entry is a forced one. i only have fragments of my mind jotted down like notes taken hastily on scrap paper. i have nothing in particular to say, but alot to utter.

pictures are up on flickr.

sometimes, when you are in awe of someone you adore, you forget that who you worship is in fact human and not a god. incidentally, when you realize this, there is both disappointment and surprisingly, some understanding.
i realized i have started to psychoanalyze people more and more recently. its fun. its like and ongoing conversation that you have between good angel and bad angel, a tug of war between reasoning and personal opinion. im not obsessed. it doesnt affect me in any way except to consider things more thoroughly when it pertains to certain people. and that, is deifnitely better than how i used to operate before. before being bitten, before have the salt rubbed against open flesh, before the feel of the need to really become selfish and protect my own skin. selfish, a more appropriate word is smart. as much as i have learned this new lesson of politics, i also wish that i wouldnt have to act this way. however, some people deserve what they get...eventually.

"you like the IDEA of a boat."
you have no idea what a boat is, but you entertain and cherish the idea of it. what is dream anyway? where is mine? how do i get to it? so many questions so little answers.
finding it would be the perfect solution.

sometimes facing others is facing yourself. its both interesting and challenging. you face your fears so that next time around it gets esier to deal with and you gain more confidence. this is whats called breakthrough.

a bit at a time. there is no need to rush. however, there is the need to improve each time, even by the microinch.

hiding, procrastinating, running away, are illusory solutions to what needs to be addressed. it will eventually come back to haunt you. get to the root of things, stem it, and slowly yet surely fill the hole back with dirt. cover it up, plant some seeds, if you may, and watch the good energy grow.

the pursuit of management

1. get to know your helpers, their good traits, and be reminded of their bad ones.
2. be positive. try to see the light in each dark mood. not everything is unsolvable. in fact, everything is solvable.
3. look into things. how to benefit, how to cut costs, how to get into a different angle.

www.flickr.com/photos/mariadeldia

another lesson learned. just when i thought things were getting better, something had to give. im thankful for it. gives me a reality check on things that i had missed within (and without) my line of vision.
being in the position to lead is frustrating, exciting, annoying, saddening, and exhilirating. yes, all at the same time. it is a challenge. as i am writing this entry, i feel the emerging love for this job. at first it was excitement, a different routine, a more fullfilling job. then it turned into a frustrating one, where each turn you make to avoid headaches leads you to three more tragedies. now, it has turned into some sort of mind game, an rpg. you are the omnipotent ruler and overseer of all the lands. you want to make sure your domain if free of trouble, and each minute critter, beast or circumstance that dares to threaten the peace of the land must be somehow eliminated. however, you are young blood. there are many ways to deal with these critters and beasts. some you banish, some you appease by throwing a bone, some you need to put in extra effort to keep at bay. so many choices, but which ones are the best used to resolve? experience. intellect. confidence.

Notes:Maximize free time. Do something. Learn something. Stretch. Breathe. Read. Think constructively. Don't go down the rabbit hole. Imagine how you want to live and take action. You attract what you put out.

-vailpost

new home. new room. it wasnt until tonight when i was buying something within the vicinity of our new location that i realized how different things will be. the feeling of somewhere new, exciting, the closeness to people who used to be so far away that you couldnt bother to hang out with now just a bike ride away. awesome.
my room still needs to be set up. there are boxes, large, black garbage bags..etc. the only place im comfortable with is my computer and bookshelf area. eeee!!!!

things get rolling...

one catalyst can trigger so much more when given the time. the move up, the move out, and everything in between. people leaving, people coming, its so easy to forget what once was. theres only the present. the past is a haze captured in dreams and memory.
im by far depressed. if anything, these changes have just heightened my sense of time and how fast it moves. since taking over the cafe, one week has seemed like one day, and one day an hour. before i know it, friday has come and gone and my minds still somewhere floating in the pool and basking in sunshine. subconsciousness is two days behind consciousness.
with this sense of time, theres a stronger urge to not lose it. learning is a long process. it is about time when i need to put down all half-ass attitudes, clean up the mess that is my langourous lifestyle. so where better place to start than the ever so hectic cafe? the need to put in short increments of time to do silent work on the planner, the need to talk to three people at the same time while working on a word file and answering the phone, the need to make coffee and check on pizza at the same time while breaking in 2 seconds to receive cash and do the math for the change. ALSO, the mental strength needed to persuade yourself that this is all worth it in the end and what doesnt break your back will eventually mold you into the person you never were.

spelling bee contest

today was our debut of the language centers freshman spelling bee. overall, it was good. turnouts were sufficient, and rounds were enough to slim down the number of winners nicely. though a bit blah, there were some laughs that hyped up some yawning moments. not bad for a first time. however, it wasnt as perfect as we thought it shoulve been, so i will list some things that needed improvements, for my sake.
to be bettered:
1. preparation should start earlier. time was constricted due to several, if not many, unpredicted circumstances.
2. personnel training. though many helpers were non language center student workers, i realized its mandatory to meet up and explain things first before scattering them to their chores. none of that "ok, so we'll meet and ill assign you jobs" on the spot last minute. meet at least ten minutes to explain things. thoroughly if possible.
3. the need to recognize able helpers and less able helpers. trust me, there is a difference. able helpers might bear more load, but they get work done swiftly and with the right attitude. less abled workers can do more manual labor or simple and constant actions(eg. guiding seats, collecting things)-linear.
4. the need to remind every precise detail. ALL THE TIME.
5. the need to remember that helpers have a great capacity and they can help with things. doing things by yourself can lead to unattended things and delays. make good use of personnel.
6. consider each aspect. how to make the job easier and effective to the max. the announcer had a hard time crossing out names due to the soft file surface and the need to hold on to mic, pen and file at the same time without a table.
7. again, timing. was tight. start earlier. next time, can start 1.5 hours beforehand.
8. consider what needs to be done when hiring. if need to carry heavy furniture, bear in mind to hire more guys. or try to find some guys last minute. IT HELPS ALOT.
9. never trust that someone will come and turn on the ac or help with the internet/sound connection. check these at least half and hour before the contest. or ask someone able to take care of it.
10. think about set up. which way to put the number cards? facing helper or student? if helper is handing out number cards, then IT SHOULD FACE THE HELPER, NOT THE STUDENT.

things are hard to control. just bear in mind three things:
is it necessary?
is it effective?
how does it help?

reminders

efficiency plays a key role in being:
1. less stressed out and not dead
2. saves time and unecessary energy output, especially of your own.
3. doesnt make you look like a fool

how to be more efficient:
1. have a clear head
2. do not think of unecessary garbage
3. focus
4. if you decie to do it, DO IT. your call.
5. before you decide to DO IT, consider if its necessary and efficient
6. DONT run around in circles
7. think of your next move clearly.
8. carry out your next move.
9. confidence
10. show that you know what you are doing

so close...

surprise. the camera doesnt cost as much as i had initially thought it would!
compare:
lens+body+4 gig sd card= 25500ntd : body only=26000ntd (8 months ago)
so yes. now its all in the bag. just need to hand over the cash and the transaction will be complete. not yet though...but soon enough.

on another note. travel plans. approximately 3200usd can last you sufficient food/entertaiment/rent/books/ for five months in lima.
i dont have five months. ill settle for three. or two.
universidad del pacifico. costo y horario.
other places: chile, ecuador, argentina, uruguay.

nikon D80

whoa...how do you feel when, in a blink of an eye, you can actually get what you want? when that happens to me, i feel like time has come to a stand still, and i try to imagine the time between knowing that i can get it and actually having it in my hand slow like quicksand. its a wierd kind of cherishing the moment. but it works. besides, i think the main purpose of this slowmo is to really ask yourself if its worth it.

porque el dinero es tan importante? porque no puedo ir a cualquier lugar o hacer cualquira cosa lo que deseo? no me gusta cuando todo el mundo esta me diciendo lo que debo que hacer. yo se. y aun que no se, no me diga nada.

i havent really figured out who i am yet. what bummer. and i thought i was making progress. this has got to be the low point in life. im not even depressed. im just thinking that i need to think more ab who i am (hows that supposed to work out?) anyways, life has come to a full circle for me. what has happened in the past is now happenning. there is no routine yet i am routining. come home to an empty house with echoes. thats exciting. entails that the move will be complete definitely by month end. what will it be like over there? and what about past-made aspirations? those will have to wait. though there is no pressure, soon enough one year is bound to end and another begin. then i will have to deal my cards wisely (phhhft! wisdom from a callow 23 year old? hardly likely, but i will try) plan plan plan. when is the execution? funny. my room seems much smaller when its empty.

if everyone in the world knew exactly what others think about them, the whole world would have to readjust.

there are people who are nice. then there are people who act nice.
the former bears a certain sense of consideration and kindness in every action, while the latter bears a sense of underlying self-serving motive.
genuinely nice people keep the level of making others feel discomfort to the minimum, while the phonies extract a perverse happiness in creating a fake sense of laughter and jokes that all belie their meanness. genuinely nice people can even sometimes go out on the lim to make others feel less awkward, while the phonies, still under the veil of laughter and jokes, make comments to inflate their ego and sense of self-worth and simultaneously crushing those who mean them no harm.
the phonies like to complain about their surroundings, the things that they think they deserve to have, and at the same time they consume and consume and consume everything around them. its like stuffing your face with rich chocolate cake and saying how bad it tastes between mouthfuls. it is quite pathetic.

seeing the phonies and what their words and actions convey, it is very disappointing at the beginning, then disappointment turns to loss of respect, which eventually turns to indifference. no matter what you may seem like to other people, there are those who know what you really are.

PS. i should reread salinger again. now it all makes more sense.

some transitions are necessary, some transitions are not. then there aer transitions that are necessary and difficult at the same time, but in my case it makes me quite delirious. notwithstanding the immense amount of details, constant self-reminders, and at the same time keeping an eagle's eye on everything, i am quite self voluntary towards learning these things. of course, its my job and what needs to be done needs to be done.
this may be the crutial time where more self discovery is revealed, or hidden forever.

the feeling of spring

put away your tears and your sleepy eyes
put away the bullshit
big boys they dont cry out to their mamas
shell be back soon.
put away your dinner and have a snack
tie your little brother up in a sack now
were moving to the country and well get there soon
-five for fighting

confettis of happyness

for some odd reason this is the first time in my life that i write in a blog with the feeling of a diary. then again, much has happened recently, and it might merely be that i have no more room in my heart and soul to contain all this that i just e need to put them on something more permanent.
first things first, our three winnings on field day has won us more free membership at the gym! woohoo!
then theres the camaraderie between colleagues that i thought was a good boost of both self confidence and just general work harmony. got to know the people whom i dont normally associate with better.
also, the news that i would be moving up to manage ez cafe. that was actually the highlight of my week. and its still going strong. however, now, ill just confess that despite all my bubbly excitement of moving up, im quite nervous ab managing. i mean, i was an english major the only thing we managed were our writing files.... regardless, i have made my decision to face my fears and do the best i can. no half-assed effort allowed.

i wish the real world would just stop hassling me-matchbox20

hace mucho tiempo que he escrito en espanol. es poquito raro, pero al mismo tiempo, lo me hago sentir mejor.
no se si hare equivocaciones gramatical, o hare diccion mala. pero, tengo esperanza que puedo perfeccionar mi espanol.
pero ahora, cuando he decido escribir algo en espanol, no tengo nada que escribir...mis pensamientos no funccionan.
hay muchos pensamientos sobre un expansion de titulos: amigos, relaciones, el futuro, el proposito de la vida....mucho mas.
por el modo del escribiendo en espanol, las personas quien estan leyendolo pueden solamente adivinar que de que estoy escribiendo. un amigo me dijo una vez, que escribiendo mis pensamientos puede mejorar me alma, escritura terapia. si de acuerdo, pero, a veces, tengo materiales que ni siquiera mostrar aqui en una lengua que entienden. hay algunas razones, pero, la punta principal es que no pienso que pueden entender, o son indiferente de lo que pienso. los humanos son cruel como asi, sin sabiendo que son.

everything will be alright.

a sense of belonging

there is nothing to go back to, only forward. no history, no lingering moment, every sense is fleeting as the salty wind that blows through the rough bushes lining the coast.
of all the things i remember about the beach, its the salty taste in the air, in my hair, on my skin. the freshness that you can lick from the breeze that lightly grazes your tongue when you stick it out far enough. i tried to remember that, and all that is left is a fragmented image of what once was. i can never go back to it.
the people you know, you knew, you once met, as if you never knew them at all. all that is left are dreams that confuse you, making you doubt your sanity for one bit of a fraction. then you rememeber, that it really did happen. its just that time has erased them all, faded, blending into the litany of long lost dreams that you once dreamt of, over and over again, or playing in sequels, trapping you between that fine line of consiousness and subconsciousness.
water. rain. floods. flying. supernatural powers. is this what you escape into when your reality is giving you a bit of cruel twist? its mine. my mind goes back to where we used to live. that long road in Paradise, one long, straight road, leading into town. so when you are passing by in a car, you can see house after house. shacks, nice concrete houses, large, dark green yards. but somehow its ominous. the daylight is strange. off color, but you know its night time. youre taking the bus, full of people who used to surround you when you were back in that reality. black people, indian people, mullatos. its normal. youre just sharing a bus with them like how you used to. and any moment now, youre supposed to knock on whatever hard surface of the bus to let the conductor know that its your stop. however, you dont. you travel with them into town. the town is how it should be. nice two way smooth tarred roads by the docks. the inner town isnt too pretty. dirt roads, muddy roads, raw, concrete sidewalks, the post office where i used to receive so much snail mail that i have a boxfull of yellowed letters. passing by the post, i feel this familiar excitement. the anticipation of expecting a letter from a friend, pen pal, news of any kind, from any foreign land. im like a ghost, i dont see myself. i am the camera, roaming, floating in the air. yet ppl look into the camera and respond to me. i walk out of the post office. walk around town. town isnt much, you can explore it within ten minutes. what i like most is the carpark with the waterfront. just parking your car there, you are facing a wide expanse of deep blue. the breeze, blowing your way, chasing away the endless heat and drying the sweat on your skin. you can even jump down to the sand. however nobody does, in case the tide comes i guess. however it never comes full up as to flood the carpark. floods, water. theres always the dream of that. swimming with dolphins in a sparkling blue expanse of something. its a cross between the ocean and a pool. there is wildlife. there are sailboats, but it is also very safe, small lapping waves make your strokes swifter, carrying you, gliding you, through the silky cool water. the sun shining at just the right temperature. then theres another version, where the suns bright, waves are calm. then just when the suit is on, and feet are padding on the sand, towards the water, the waves start to rise. you dont get to swim at all. instead, the waves hit you. bigger and stronger each time. you have no where to run, you panick. but the water is exquisitely blue, and the day is cloudless. the waves keep pushing. you know you gotta get outta there. but its all wrong. the ocean should be calm. a nice day like this, the waves should not be flooding over, the tide should be at bay. but now. they keep coming, like an army, crashing around you, pulling you, yet pushing you back. the endless tug of war. yet, you are not drowning. you are still alive. why cant you escape? there is a sand wall. you are stuck between the sandwall and the waves. nowhere to run. you cannot climb up becasue somehow the sand is as smooth as silk, as fine as ever. youre clawing at the fine grains that just keep breaking apart. what to do. then you wake up.

I have been consumed by many things recently. Among these things, i feel as if i have a black hole inside of me sucking out all the energy i need to expell for positivity, which, is in dire need.

i dont know why, maybe i need more contact with people, or maybe i just need to grit my teeth and do what i need to do. the latter part has always been sort of a challenge. however, i know that i have never been the type to grit my teeth to the extent of extremism, and i am a strong believer of balance. thus, i think i just need to be in the company of someone who i can talk to. that, is pending.

Moving II

so now that i have really, seriously, done some de-junking of my room and other quarters of the apartment, i have realized that this feat isnt going to take the couple hours that i initially thought it would take. i am thankful that i ditched my procrastination and got to work.
i also realized that this is what i should be doing once every year. not moving (thought i woudnt mind it at all), but this whole downsizing thing. it feels good because in the end, you will be left with only the essentials, crystals of cherished memories, as well as most valuable possessions (subjective perspective, of course). actually it has always been like this for me. i always keep what friends give me. and because i didnt/dont have that many friends, the things they gave/give me are even more precious. i used to want to be part of a big group of people, but now i know that its just not me, and most likely never will be me. so i think am getting closer to being content with who i am.

where am i?

what am i doing? wheres this all leading?
somehow i have the feeling that life is at a stand still right now.
i want inspiration, motivation, emotion.
i am not a juggler. i cannot balance more than two things at the same time if i want them to be well up in the air.
what is the priority? how does one know for sure its a priority when one has no signs and is relying on a chewed out instinct?
i want inspiration, motivation, emotion.

little chili II

Characters: Big Dad, Subjugated Mom, Happy Girl, Pre-antiquated Son
Big Dad: always wears a back support belt over his dirty wife beater (ironic...read for more info), largely stocky, large rimmed glasses, never smiles, always looks as if hes on the verge of cussing out, although he seems to try really hard to control it, because he is constantly frowning, as if concentrating on something.
Subjugated Mom: Short hair like an out of style bob, constantly looks tired, seems to be afraid of Big Dad. Dirty shirt plus dirtier apron, her heart seems to be tired as well. the defeated way she wipes sweat off her forehead, they way she quietly conscends to Big Dad, the way she doesnt even look you straight in the eye when you order your food, even when you have a big smile on your face. When does she actually have time to be pretty? to be seen as a woman, to again feel like she's Spring's butterfly, to be free, to be appreciated, to be her own.
Happy Girl: i have no idea if she bears any relation to the owners, for all i know, she could be one of the many student workers from Feng Chia doing part time employment for 80~100 nt per hour. no matter what, rain or shine, crowded or not, tense or lax, she always has this subtle hint of a smile that makes you feel better about the two other sour faces (ok, forlorn). she is actually quite attentive too, and will take note if your meal is somewhat taking to long (even when what you ordered is worth 25 nt of a bowl of basic noodles. when i see her, i feel good, knowing that at least there is one person who kind of somehow light up the place a bit.
Pre-antiquated Son: like jason once put it, the son "has mannerisms of an old man." He is overly obese (can one be overly obese when obese already means overly overweight?) he puts his head on the restaurant tables with his knees on the chair, and sleeps...then gets up, wanders around the somewhat dirty floor, opening cupboards, closing cupboards, being bored, wearing his dirty school uniform, even after school hours.

quick update before closing shop.

ive wanted to write this down since about last week. however, its been on and off my mind for the longest while.

ever since i came to Feng Chia, as a student, my friends and i used to frequent this delicious and cheap eatery called "little chili."

i still occasion there when i crave for a small bowl of rich wonton noodles.

so i will start off with a little bit of history. (this might be a long entry...those who do not kow "little chili" might find it bo-ring :P)

in my school days, it was located on the side of one of the smaller sub-alleys of Ricebox street, way back, near the university's west side gate. a tiny shack of store surface with a low overhanging roof, a somewhat ok-kept outer kitchen where all the food is prepped, and our four main characters tolling daily to feed swamps of hungry college kids waiting in line. maybe because ive seen them and how they move about, how they respond to customers, and how they treat each other, because whenever i think of Ricebox street, i always think about them. their images float above the rest of the hundreds of tiny stalls or big timers that create just as flavorful taiwanese ambrosia. they are not particularly nice, courteous enough as most store owners go, neither is their behaviour repellent.

Moving!
As in cleaning up an entire house, scrubbing floors and throwing away boxes of junk, worrying about how to get cumbersome furniture to another destination, and at the same time feeling happy about the whole thing, has slowly taken toll on me. Makes me think of the times when we were moving from house to house in the Caribbean. I would always wonder what my new room would be like in our new home, and how different the yard would be. More coconut trees? Pink bouganvillias instead of orange? and hopefully an electronic gate instead of a manual one(never happened...)?
Anyways, I look forward to moving.
My mom, on the other hand, took it like some goddamn tragedy...I guess since its mainly her fault, so she feels super guilty about it. But both my dad and I think its our familys best decision since 2003 (now THATS a goddamn tragedy). So, better late than never, right?

Everyone needs to learn how to get along with others. This is what I overheard from a conversation between my colleagues. When I heard this, I wasnt straining to hear who this was about. All that was echoing through my mind was this first sentence.
So, even when you work with someone you dont like, it could actually be quite easy to go through your daily tasks without letting the other person make you put on a *fuck off* sign across your face.
I have been encouraged that it isnt so bad, because you can actually learn how to deal with this type of person, in case you meet more along the way. Besides, I have recently found that my attitude has turned into somewhat little increments of pre-emptive strikes that I simply do not like myself. So, time for a change of strategy. This is going to be fun.

disappearing act?

hiatus

...and another

for all those who know there's something wrong with their car, but have no clue what the problem is or how much itll cost to fix, heres a chart from my mechanic's garage, along with prices:

ping, click, ping..........$10
click, whir, click.........$30
clunk, whir, lunk.......$50
thud, clunk, thud......$100
clang, thud, clang......$200
i cant describe it........$500

-Reader's Digest

here's one for ya

during my keep-fit class, i had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedalling a bycicle. after several minutes, one man came to a halt. "why did you stop pedalling?" i shouted. "i didnt stop," he said, wheezing. "im coasting."
-Reader's Digest

knowing is easy. committing is hard.

last night before going to bed i jotted down in my little book of things learned for the past 8 months or so. it was a relatively long list. but i guess anything longer wouldve been quite pretentious. besides, i made a note specifically reminding myself that this market list of things would not be attainable unless i get to practice them. Not exactly a shopping spree.

1. comfortable living space? hell yeah. after semi refurbishing my tiny excuse of a room, it actually seems bigger now, and has a bit more style thanks to mom's green vine reading chair and a new bookshelf. (lisa you should totally visit and spend the night. bring cathy too!)

now i just have to keep the room less cluttered. 要就收，不要就丟。 its that simple. and it rhymes!

2. -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 : on this scale of integers, try to keep your opinion of someone at zero. anything less would cause a) much pain and strain on your mental health.
b) creating a personality that would most likely
mold you into a misanthrope.
c) and lastly, its just no fun.

i know how good it feels to foster hate and dislike towards someone. but being like that is just not being happy. i want to be happy.

3. gaining knowledge and figuring out what i want to do. many of us are out there thinking up all the possibilities in life. thats wonderful. but i realized that, at least in my case, i have to also consider what works, even if it means sacrificing something so dear. sometimes i wonder if this is all life has to offer me.
taking action after thinking things through would make me feel less so. thus, action is key. i need to get my butt out of the chair.

the above are just the three main things that are pending for attention right now. i am grateful to those who have opened my eyes and made me care about such things that i used to procrastinate on.